The Pretender

   Some mornings when I wake up, I have to take a few minutes and remind myself of who I am. Like the dreams of the night were my real persona and the daytime is just a cover. That’s a good word for what I feel like most of the time.. Cover; what’s my cover story for the day. How will I hide my feelings, my hurts and anxieties today? It is a preciously narrow tight rope that I walk, from the reality of my private and dark emotions to what people want to hear from me. They don't want to hear that I am sad about loss, or that I'm afraid of growing old. They don't want to hear about my aches and pains, or my check book full of dwindling numbers. What do people want from me? They want the Pretender. They want to hear from that quick witted person that makes them laugh, and cheers up their day. They want that strong leader, and that shoulder that’s always there to support them. Being the Pretender takes energy every day. Some days, consuming all that I am just to carry out the charade. I understand that God knows my heart, and He must wonder what and who I think that I am. “He made me to be something more than what I've become”. At least that is what I tell myself. I must be meant for more. And in that thought, the trap is sprung. I set in motion for myself an all-consuming mission to carry out the ill-conceived notion that what I am is not good enough for God, for me, or for anyone else. The Pretender lives to serve and impress others; To be what I cannot be on my own.
   Knowing this, God sent a messenger to me. Someone that I could not doubt. An innocent yet trustworthy voice of reason in my world of disengaged thinking. In my children I found acceptance. I found value. And yes, I found a reason to live outside the pain and uncertainty that life piles on us every day. On occasion I pretend to protect them by playing my part, doing what’s expected, and putting on a happy face, but they see through my efforts from time to time, and remind me that they want to be with and love the real person that I am. I still have the darkness that chases my thoughts. When I struggle with the part of me that I don't want them to experience, I remind myself that God granted me their love and company so that I could learn to adapt. To change myself a little each time that I get a hug, or a hand drawn card or picture. The Pretender still walks with me every day; inside of me he’s whispering to my mind, that who I am and what I deserve is not happiness and love. But as I wake every day, through the aches and pains of growing older and finding out that I’m not who I thought that I would grow up to be, I do my best to be a real dad, a loving husband, a good son, and a genuine man.

-Randy
(2015)

Vanishing Heroes

Growing up, I had my idea of what a real hero looked like. For a lot of little boys, it’s their Dad, or a big brother, I was no different. His heroes became my heroes. John Wayne’s personal beliefs about manhood and style of justice fit right in with my dad’s ideals. “I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.” I was never allowed to bully or start fights. I was taught to respect others, and their property. But on one occasion when I was bullied and beaten up, my Dad became angry, and it was mostly when he found out that I had refused to fight back. I was concerned that I would be in trouble just for being in a fight. What he said was this, “son, when someone pushes you long enough, and far enough, it’s time to stop them from pushing. You have to defend what is right, what is yours, and what you believe to be true." Needless to say, that was the last time that I was ever bullied without giving a response of resistance, or full out violence.

            I think the trouble today is that we have so ingrained our children to think that they can talk or negotiate their way out of anything. That no matter how evil or violent the aggressor, responding in force, or with gritty determination to defend themselves, is always viewed as socially wrong. There are many names and titles for what people call this theory. But it seems to have one major effect that I have come to question; What happened to all our heroes? Year after year we honor those who have passed, and recognize them as irreplaceable characters of honor, or defenders of the weak or oppressed. When I think of today’s movies and television, heroes do not come to mind. Actions becoming of heroes don’t even come to mind, so what’s happening?

            Surely dads, moms, brothers and sisters are still heroes to the young, but in this day of zero tolerances, the life lessons that we used to see as constructive and necessary are looked at with progressively convicting eyes, those who think- peace at any cost. It is that philosophy of passivism that, when not balanced with responsibility, is developing a generation of people that won’t stand up for themselves.  Leading through ethical, principled strength and responsible values is looked at in our progressive world as unacceptable and outdated behavior. Stopping a bully through returned aggression, is somehow a "barbaric" ritual that is no longer needed or welcome in our “modern” society. Let me remind you of what my dad told me so many years ago; he said, "son, when someone pushes you long enough, and far enough, it’s time to stop them from pushing. You have to defend what is right, what is yours, and what you believe to be true". These are the very principles that formed The United States. The very ideals that made us free to worship and serve God in our own way. The same freedom that God grants you every day, when you decide where your loyalties and treasures will be placed. Heroes aren't something you can make, or train. Heroes do what they do because they love or admire something too much to lose it! They are willing to give everything that they are, to preserve what they hold dear, and what they love. We can all be heroes, or... we can just keep looking for them. To be certain, we need to honor those who came before us and those who continue to give of themselves; some gave all that they had so that we could live and die the way we do. Free. Free to choose right. Free to defend the weak and oppressed, Free to be the Heroes for today.

-Randy Dysart (Dad)

for SR Dysart, Joshua R.                                                                                       ~ ShoeBoxProphet

A Ragamuffin Life

 (a letter to a friend): 

Ministry that consumes us completely unto ourselves..

  Last night. I watched the movie, Ragamuffin. It's the Rich Mullins story, as told by his friends and family. God reminded me that I/we are not alone, or so very different from each other. Though we live lives that feel unworthy of His usefulness and are sometimes judged by others to be "colorful, failed or distant", we serve a God who knows us, and has placed a passion, a wisdom, in each of us.. As I watched Mullins struggle with a life of desiring to serve God, many times he replaced the ministry passion with a passion for addiction. All the while continuing to write the Lords message and reach out to the hurting, of which he was definitely one. I believe with all my heart, that I walk a very similar road as he did, and that you do as well. We serve a great God, and just maybe we too are called to share the wisdom, pain, and joy of our stories. Each of us has a story to tell, that is a calling we cannot ignore or miss, but one that should be part of living your every day life.

-Randy

My Book- ShoeBox Thoughts is available here

Giants

   Most likely we all know the story of David and Goliath. A young boy, not particularly large in stature, defeats the mightiest worrier of a fierce enemy. What David lacked in size, he made up for in faith. Some would say that the story of David against the giant is just that, a story. A parable, told to energize the masses, and motivate the outmatched armies throughout history. Regardless of what you believe, it is a story told of an undeniably courageous young man, whose faith in his God was stronger than his self doubt and fear. When everyone around him was at a loss for what to do, or where to run, he knew exactly who would give him the strength and wisdom to slay Goliath. For David, it was a life changing experience. His trust in God, brought out the real leader in him, and eventually lead to his procession to the throne.
    Every day, each of us battle against our own 'giant'. Illness, addiction, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, the list is endless, and the pain it represents is devastating. It's how we choose to address this giant of ours that sets us apart from the rest of the world. I usually choose to face my battles head on, but some of them you never see coming. Courage and faith can be powerful allies when you are at war with depression, indecision, or fear; when placed in the right hands they help us to rise above our weakness. God says he will never forget about us, that he will never leave us all alone, and always wants the best for us. With that in mind, those 'giants' don't seem as huge or indestructible, but they are still in our lives. God doesn't always remove our pain, or rescue us from the situation that we are in, but He does promise to help us in it, to carry us through it if necessary. I occasionally imagine that as we struggle with pain or loss, Jesus is right there crying with us tear for tear. Not that He is helpless like we think we are, but because He understands our sadness, and doubt, and He knows that grief and expressing those feelings, is part of the process of dealing with them.
     The good news is that we don't have to be frozen in place by life's anxieties, or crippled by fear of the unknown. David placed his trust in a God that he knew, without a doubt, had his back. He may not have known how he would be able to triumph against the bully, but he knew that God called him to try. In our lives, I think that's the important thought, God calls us to believe in Him, have faith, and try. It's not a guarantee that all your problems will go away, David's didn't. However faith does come with a promise that you are not alone in your trials, and a very loving friend in Jesus, the Son of God Himself, will be at your side for every step of of your journey.
     We will all face tests of our faith, and trials of suffering, grief or doubt; the question is, will you follow the example of a small boy serving God against the odds to conquer his battle, or will you go it all alone. Being a strong-willed child, I have attempted the "all alone" method many times, and I can tell you, it has never ended well. It usually ends up with me in a bigger mess than when I started, and I still need someones help to get out of it. Our life is full of times when we feel that our problems and situations are too big for us to deal with, and that is true. But as children of God we are not left to deal with anything on our own, and nothing is too big (or small) for God. All of our struggles, victories and failures, God uses to make us stronger. He molds us through each experience into to men and women that He wants us to be; someone that He can then use to bring someone else closer to Him. Take courage and have faith, when you are the most fearful and full of doubt, remember that God is just a prayer away to help you face your giant.

1 Samuel 17:45 (MES)
Randy

(revised 6-18-2016 - originally written: 2012)

Blind Spots

          Have you ever noticed that you do something and it doesn't turn out quite the way you planned? Perhaps you look back at your life and wish you had taken different roads than you did. Before you think I’m going somewhere real spiritual, hold on... I’ll call them ‘blind spots’. Places where you made a choice, but got a result or an answer that you didn't expect, or want. I know that you might be thinking, "wow he really has no idea “... Or maybe you think you don’t have any blind spots. Well I certainly do. I am not the sort of person that constantly lives life looking in my own personal rear view mirror to see where I was wrong and where I have been right. But those blind moments still remind me that in moments when my priorities get out of line with my morality, I suffer. And usually they remind me with a flare for vividness.

          I have recently come to recognize, that I am not who I think I am. Or, rather maybe it is that I need to stop trying to be the person others want me to become. How I have fallen into this pit, I don’t know. Not that I blame others for my choices, I made all of them without coercion. When did I become such a people pleaser that I can’t say no long enough to make time for my family? Many of you may know that I really enjoy traveling, and we try to RV from time to time, enjoying some history here, and some wonderfully beautiful scenery there. Lately it has been a long time in between trips. And not just because of a down turn in the economy, or a lack of money. I know how to plan cheap if I need to. Really, it has just been a lack of desire, or should I say effort. It seems I can help create blind spots for my life even without knowing it. Those can catch you napping and be right in your face before you know it. But the ones that seem to hurt the most are the blind spots that I knowingly create due to bad choices. You know the ones. It isn't right, and you know it isn't right, but its fun, or daring, or makes you look good, or cool, or important.
          Did you create your spot at someone else’s expense? Well I have, more than once. All that I can say is that it didn't feel as good or exciting as I thought it would. And if I had known the price, I hope that I would have made a different choice. I know all of us have second thoughts about ourselves and our decisions in life, and that's what I am writing about here. Where are your blind spots? I am only now starting to recognize a whole new area of them in my life. It seems they control more of what I do than I once thought. I hope by acknowledging them, it will be harder for them to control me.
          Maybe, you and I can start looking to resolve some of them.. I know that sounds good, but how do you really do it? In life sometimes you need a little push to do what is right. I got a new push recently. Actually it seemed more like a shove. Don’t wait for your shove, they can really hurt, and sometimes leave a mark. It is my mind that wants to run wild looking to impress and delight in things that can create blind spots and lead to the hurtful reality of an addiction, pride, or careless thinking. So how is it that we don’t let that happen? Well, I said that I wouldn't get all “spiritual” on you, but the fact is it takes a responsible attitude toward a “higher” power for you to realize that it isn't all about you. The way to prove that you aren't into life for just what you can get out of it is to love others.
          You might remember that I was just lamenting the fact that I already don’t take the time to be with and honor my own family regularly. There lies the real problem. I do my share of giving towards the benefit of others. But it isn't done with the right mindset. Do I just give freely, or am I trying to gain some acceptance through my giving? I know the answer to that question for me. Can you answer it for yourself? I hope you’ll take some time to examine your motives in life. Why do you do the things that you do? What outcome are you looking for? Whose acceptance are you trying to earn? Maybe if we both come up with our real answers to those questions, we’ll be able to avoid making new blind spots in our lives.
-Randy

(this re-posting is from 2009)

Need the Winter

   I for one am looking forward to the changing of the seasons, in more ways than one. I have had a rough couple of years, but lately I understand that I am worthy of having some fun. I need to remind myself of that more often. I really enjoy meeting new friends these days, not that there are a lot of people knocking down my door, but in the past I didn’t enjoy the ‘getting to know someone’ part of meeting new people. In the season of winter I find peace and beauty in the rain, and even the occasional snow.  I love to sit by the fire. To me it reflects more of who I am, quietly passionate, the gray’s and the white of winter. I hope I continue to revel in this new energy that is propelling me to get out and mingle. To those of you whom I’ve just met, thank you for allowing me to have some fun and grow. To my long time friends, we need to get together and go have fun.. I am tired of feeling tired.. Did you get that? Even with our busy lives, there must be something that we can do to make ourselves laugh or at least smile and have a good time. What I like about the coming season, is everyone’s openness to make some time to go out or come over, and have a party. So help me along here, and let’s keep enjoying each other..
-Randy

(re-posted from 2008)