The Pretender

   Some mornings when I wake up, I have to take a few minutes and remind myself of who I am. Like the dreams of the night were my real persona and the daytime is just a cover. That’s a good word for what I feel like most of the time.. Cover; what’s my cover story for the day. How will I hide my feelings, my hurts and anxieties today? It is a preciously narrow tight rope that I walk, from the reality of my private and dark emotions to what people want to hear from me. They don't want to hear that I am sad about loss, or that I'm afraid of growing old. They don't want to hear about my aches and pains, or my check book full of dwindling numbers. What do people want from me? They want the Pretender. They want to hear from that quick witted person that makes them laugh, and cheers up their day. They want that strong leader, and that shoulder that’s always there to support them. Being the Pretender takes energy every day. Some days, consuming all that I am just to carry out the charade. I understand that God knows my heart, and He must wonder what and who I think that I am. “He made me to be something more than what I've become”. At least that is what I tell myself. I must be meant for more. And in that thought, the trap is sprung. I set in motion for myself an all-consuming mission to carry out the ill-conceived notion that what I am is not good enough for God, for me, or for anyone else. The Pretender lives to serve and impress others; To be what I cannot be on my own.
   Knowing this, God sent a messenger to me. Someone that I could not doubt. An innocent yet trustworthy voice of reason in my world of disengaged thinking. In my children I found acceptance. I found value. And yes, I found a reason to live outside the pain and uncertainty that life piles on us every day. On occasion I pretend to protect them by playing my part, doing what’s expected, and putting on a happy face, but they see through my efforts from time to time, and remind me that they want to be with and love the real person that I am. I still have the darkness that chases my thoughts. When I struggle with the part of me that I don't want them to experience, I remind myself that God granted me their love and company so that I could learn to adapt. To change myself a little each time that I get a hug, or a hand drawn card or picture. The Pretender still walks with me every day; inside of me he’s whispering to my mind, that who I am and what I deserve is not happiness and love. But as I wake every day, through the aches and pains of growing older and finding out that I’m not who I thought that I would grow up to be, I do my best to be a real dad, a loving husband, a good son, and a genuine man.

-Randy
(2015)